Concious choices, go for them when made!!

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Do you know this, when you are being asked to do something but you do not feel like doing it and although you feel like that, you are doing it anyway?
That is something I often did and what became a sort of a system in me. Today I experienced the breakthrough of that what, during a longer period, is changing slowly.


After a few nightshifts my mother called this early morning. Both my parents are over ninety years old and still living on their own with a little help in the household. Today was the day that my father had to go to hospital for checking his eyes. His sight is becoming less late years and every year he has a check up for that. Normally a wonderful and nice neighbor, who is doing a lot for them, would go with him to the hospital. However this morning she called that she was feeling not well and that her MD called for an ambulance to let her be examined at the hospital. So the question of my mother was very clear to me: Who is escorting dad to the hospital now? My sister could not be reached so I knew that I had to do this. Or, like my mother said, maybe we need to cancel the appointment. That was not an option to me because I know how difficult it is to schedule a new appointment in near future in this hospital. Also because I knew how prepared my dad was to go for this check up. So I told her that I would pick up dad to escort him. As soon as I laid down the phone, a feeling overwhelmed me: whaaa, I do not want to do this, it is my day off, I am not in the mood for this, I want to sleep, I am tired and more of this. And I was angry at myself that I had agreed. Please do not think I am not friendly and nice to my parents. OK, it is true that I have not that strong bond with my parents as others might have, and I have been a very independent person as from my early years. But I am there for them whenever they need me, really need me, without manipulation.

The rest of the morning I began to hate myself for that feeling. First I didn't understand it, but suddenly a clear message came through: Why this attitude, why these negative feelings while normally I do not have them? When I join my dad with this attitude, he certainly will feel it and maybe will feel guilty about asking me to escort him. So I decided to change my attitude immediately. I made this decision, and wanted to take full responsibility for it. And I did not want to feel bad about it, and otherwise it should be better to make a new decision. And that was exactly something I did not want to bother my dad with. It was my decision and I wanted to go for this. And at the same time I opened for the new feeling that was flooding me. Happiness and quietness. The feeling I myself was in control again. With that growing feeling I went to my parents. The afternoon went smoothly and sunny. My parent were so glad and happy that I wanted to escort dad. The appointment at the hospital went easily without waiting times, the taxi arrived within one minute, the people were nice and friendly, the medic explained everything very thoroughly and we arrived home within one hour and a half. Super time. And I went home, satisfied and with many thanks and love from mum and dad.

From this I learned that it is important to make choices very consciously. And to live accordingly, in full energy and honesty. Even when the decision seems not such a nice one or when you think it is made by outer force, please be conscious of the choice en be prepared to give it your color. Then it certainly turns out as a good choice. And, not quite unimportant, you can always make a new decision, every moment, in any way, at every place.