Concious choices, go for them when made!!

Voor Nederlandse versie klik: Bewust kiezen en er voor gaan.

Do you know this, when you are being asked to do something but you do not feel like doing it and although you feel like that, you are doing it anyway?
That is something I often did and what became a sort of a system in me. Today I experienced the breakthrough of that what, during a longer period, is changing slowly.


After a few nightshifts my mother called this early morning. Both my parents are over ninety years old and still living on their own with a little help in the household. Today was the day that my father had to go to hospital for checking his eyes. His sight is becoming less late years and every year he has a check up for that. Normally a wonderful and nice neighbor, who is doing a lot for them, would go with him to the hospital. However this morning she called that she was feeling not well and that her MD called for an ambulance to let her be examined at the hospital. So the question of my mother was very clear to me: Who is escorting dad to the hospital now? My sister could not be reached so I knew that I had to do this. Or, like my mother said, maybe we need to cancel the appointment. That was not an option to me because I know how difficult it is to schedule a new appointment in near future in this hospital. Also because I knew how prepared my dad was to go for this check up. So I told her that I would pick up dad to escort him. As soon as I laid down the phone, a feeling overwhelmed me: whaaa, I do not want to do this, it is my day off, I am not in the mood for this, I want to sleep, I am tired and more of this. And I was angry at myself that I had agreed. Please do not think I am not friendly and nice to my parents. OK, it is true that I have not that strong bond with my parents as others might have, and I have been a very independent person as from my early years. But I am there for them whenever they need me, really need me, without manipulation.

The rest of the morning I began to hate myself for that feeling. First I didn't understand it, but suddenly a clear message came through: Why this attitude, why these negative feelings while normally I do not have them? When I join my dad with this attitude, he certainly will feel it and maybe will feel guilty about asking me to escort him. So I decided to change my attitude immediately. I made this decision, and wanted to take full responsibility for it. And I did not want to feel bad about it, and otherwise it should be better to make a new decision. And that was exactly something I did not want to bother my dad with. It was my decision and I wanted to go for this. And at the same time I opened for the new feeling that was flooding me. Happiness and quietness. The feeling I myself was in control again. With that growing feeling I went to my parents. The afternoon went smoothly and sunny. My parent were so glad and happy that I wanted to escort dad. The appointment at the hospital went easily without waiting times, the taxi arrived within one minute, the people were nice and friendly, the medic explained everything very thoroughly and we arrived home within one hour and a half. Super time. And I went home, satisfied and with many thanks and love from mum and dad.

From this I learned that it is important to make choices very consciously. And to live accordingly, in full energy and honesty. Even when the decision seems not such a nice one or when you think it is made by outer force, please be conscious of the choice en be prepared to give it your color. Then it certainly turns out as a good choice. And, not quite unimportant, you can always make a new decision, every moment, in any way, at every place.

Bewust kiezen en er voor gaan.

For English version please click: Concious choices, go for them when made!!


Ken je dat, dat je iets gevraagd wordt om te doen, je er eigenlijk geen zin in hebt maar het toch doet? Dat is iets wat ik vaak gedaan heb en wat een systeem gevormd heeft in mezelf. Vandaag was de bewuste doorbraak van datgeen wat al heel lang en heel langzaam aan het veranderen is.

Na een paar nachtdiensten werd ik vanmorgen vroeg gebeld door mijn moeder. Mijn beide ouders zijn in de negentig en wonen nog zelfstandig, uiteraard met wat hulp in de huishouding. Vandaag zou mijn vader naar het ziekenhuis moeten voor controle aan zijn ogen. Zijn ogen worden steeds slechter en moeten dus met regelmaat gecontroleerd worden. Normaal gaat een lieve buurvrouw, die veel voor ze doet, mee naar het ziekenhuis voor begeleiding. Maar die had vroeg in de morgen opgebeld dat ze zich niet lekker voelde en de huisarts het beter vond dat ze meteen werd opgehaald door een ziekenauto om in het ziekenhuis gecontroleerd te worden. Dus de vraag van mijn moeder was al gauw duidelijk: wie gaat nu met pa mee naar het ziekenhuis. Mijn zus was niet te bereiken en ik wist dus dat ik het moest doen of zoals mijn moeder zei, ze de afspraak maar moesten afzeggen. Dat laatste was geen optie voor me omdat ik weet hoe lang het kan duren om een nieuwe afspraak te krijgen en mijn vader zich al helemaal voorbereid had op dit onderzoek. Ik gaf dus aan dat ik mijn vader zou komen ophalen. Nadat ik de telefoon had neergelegd had ik meteen zo'n gevoel van whaaa, dit wil ik niet, ik heb hier geen zin in, ik heb net een vrije dag en ik had uit kunnen slapen, ik ben moe, etc etc. En ik had de pest in dat ik ja had gezegd tegen mijn moeder. Nu kun je denken dat ik niet hartelijk ben naar mijn ouders. OK, het is waar dat ik niet zo close ben met hen en altijd vrij zelfstandig ben geweest. Maar ik ben er wel als ze me nodig hebben, echt nodig hebben, zonder gemanipuleer.

De rest van de morgen kreeg ik steeds meer een hekel aan mezelf. Eerst begreep ik er niets van, daarna kwam er berusting en een heldere gedachte: Waarom met deze negatieve gevoelens rondlopen als ik ik anders gewend ben? Als ik op deze manier naar mijn ouders ga, mijn vader mee neem naar het ziekenhuis, dan voelen ze die negativiteit echt wel en heb je kans dat zij zich ook nog eens schuldig gaan voelen. Ik besloot dus om meteen mijn houding te veranderen. Ik had een besluit genomen, en wilde daar ook de volledige verantwoording voor nemen. En ik wilde me daar niet rot over voelen, anders moest ik maar een nieuw besluit nemen vond ik zelf. En dat wilde ik mijn ouders ook weer niet aan doen. Dus het was mijn besluit en ik ging er voor. En tegelijkertijd stelde ik me open voor het gevoel wat daarbij hoort. Een rustig en blij gevoel. Het gevoel dat ik weer in charge was. Met dat groeiende gevoel ging ik op weg naar mijn ouders. De middag verliep als een zonnetje. Mijn ouders waren blij dat ik kwam, de afspraak verliep vlekkeloos en zonder wachttijd, de taxi stond in een minuut klaar bij het ziekenhuis en we waren in anderhalf uur weer thuis. Supersnel. En ik kwam tevreden weer thuis met de dank en liefde van mijn ouders.

Het blijkt dus maar weer dat het belangrijk is om je keuzes bewust te maken. En er dan ook naar te leven, voluit en eerlijk. Ook al lijkt de keuze soms niet zo'n leuke keuze en lijkt deze soms gedwongen genomen te zijn, als je bewust bent van de keuze en bereid bent om er jouw kleur aan te geven dan wordt het een beste keuze. En weet dat je altijd een nieuwe keuze kunt maken, elk moment, hoe dan ook, waar dan ook.

My first book?

For Dutch version click here: Mijn eerste boek?


A few years ago I began writing. So now and then I wrote a little piece of 6 lines max. Just because it came up out of nowhere and that I liked the text. Sometimes because of another piece of text that I had read. But all those written pieces disappeared into the archive and never showed up again. I have thrown away many of them in that period. Now, while I am writing this, I remember that when I was young and in love, I wrote little poems for my loved one. Never knew why I did that. It just was part of my life. However, sharing of these writings was not what I wanted."Who is waiting for this, who am I to share my writings, and in fact it is all nonsense" were my beliefs that came up again and again, while I started living more and more from my head than the by heart. And that was OK for that time. However, I am glad and it is wonderful to live more and more from the heart nowadays. And that is exactly why I began writing again. For a long time I have asked myself why to start again. The old beliefs were still there. But something else became stronger than those beliefs. I decided to give that something new a chance. "Just write because I feel to write. No matter what I write, just let it happen". I had no idea where those words came from but I began to like it. Also to read my writings back after a while was fun. But sharing of what I wrote...no...a firm believe was right on top of that. The urge to write however became stronger and stronger. Scary! And at that time the fantasy stories came forth out of my deeper being, more and more often. As a child I already had this lively imagination. And now all these parts of fairy tales passed by. On one of these days one of my daughters came around and unexpectedly asked about those old bedtime stories I used to tell them when they were young. During the holidays I always told them stories about the elves and a little Gnome. They were real funny and most of the time these were stories about something they themselves had experienced during the day. But why did she asked me that question just now? I decided to do some internal inquiry about this. After a short time I began to write down the first lines of something I made up, and yes indeed it was again about this little Gnome. In an amazing short time I had a fantastic story on paper. I was surprised. Secretly I wrote three other stories. I became enthusiastic and saw myself back in these stories. I laughed ....a good sign. And then my wife asked what I was doing, all that typing.

I explained it to her and you can imagine that she wanted to read those stories. With some fear in my heart about her reaction I let her read them. She was excited about them. Also she was convinced that this should be made known to the public as a book for children, perhaps only our future grandchildren. I was relieved by her reaction and last two years fifteen stories appeared. Not only for children, not only for storytelling before bedtime, also for ourselves as grown ups. The stories are loaded with recognizable things that keep us busy during the days. However...a book? Publish it? Well that idea had still to grow a bit further. While that idea was growing I received several invites to join groups for self expression and growth. Before I knew it I had myself thrown into these groups. For quite some time I am active on Facebook in sharing ideas and views, but these groups invited me to freely share my thoughts and to write about myself...whaaaaa. I was surprised when I noticed that all the writing was accepted easily. Sometimes several persons reacted upon them, sometimes only one and in other cases no one gave a reaction. It became very clear to me that I could not be hurt by their reactions as long as I wrote about myself, as long I was honest, authentic and open. No matter the reaction, it was all right. Sure, I did like the positive reactions and feed back, and it stimulated me to continue to share. I began to enjoy this. I even started my own blog!! In the end the idea to make a book of these fifteen stories seemed not even so bad. It felt ok but not right now, something was not finished yet. And in last couple of months 6 more stories were added. Now it feels as completed. It is time to make them public. And at the same time ideas popped up about drawings and paintings for the stories, editing will be done, layout is being discussed and all by really warmhearted friends with the right skills. The last phase of my book to be has begun.

But let's be honest, is it all about this book, to get known or famous, to be seen and heard of? No.
Last years this became clear to me. If I have something to tell, I just do it. It is not important if there is someone around to read it. It is about what happens to me when I write it down, when I tell it. By writing it down or telling the story it becomes more clear to me what is going on. What is inside of me becomes more visible, new perspectives are showing up. It is an ongoing journey and writing shows me my path. It is my development. And at the same time the silent thoughts and wishes are being colored with a sound in the form of spoken words or writings. Nothing can make that undone except when I recall it. With that I set the changes in my life in motion, every time. Old business out of my system and new are allowed. Reprogramming as I call it.

And I sure like to share, just for the sharing. Why stay sitting in my own with my stories, my visions, ideas, my learnings of life? It feels good to share them so why wait? And my experience is that there is always someone who says " Well that is a revelation" or "That is funny". And you know, when there is only one person who benefits from this, how little it is, maybe only a smile, it was worth writing or telling it. And even when it is not read at all, it is still worthwhile for myself. First of all because it is fun not only to write but also to read my pieces back after some time and secondly because I do learn a lot about myself, about how I stand in life (or stood in life), and to learn to see the possibilities for changes. And furthermore it gives rest. Everything what takes place around me, everything what is stored in my head, the heart and the body, my experiences, pictures and conversations will bring me into action and if there is no action I become restless. It has to come out, one way or another, also physically. Grounding it is called sometimes. Writing is a form of grounding these things, things that are keeping me busy. In this way something is done with it. The energy is now getting a form. It gives me the spirit to work with it, to continue, to get inspiration, and to have a flow of life full of fantasy and love.
I really love it.

And so nice that in a few weeks there is this little booklet, that is written within this energy, for others to enjoy, nothing to expect and yet so special. A booklet where dear friends contributed and still are contributing to make it happen. A booklet where my daughters were the ones who laid the foundation for.

Mijn eerste boek?

For English version please click here: My first book?

Een paar jaar geleden ben ik begonnen met schrijven. Zo af en toe schreef ik een stukje van maximaal 6 regels. Gewoon omdat die tekst ineens in me op kwam en ik hem mooi vond. Soms naar aanleiding van een ander stukje wat ik gelezen had. Alles ging ergens in een archief en verdween uit mijn zicht. Ook heb ik er weer velen van weg gegooid. Nu ik dit zit te schrijven herinner ik me dat ik dat als verliefde jongen ook al deed. Ik schreef dan verzen voor mijn lief....
Nooit geweten waarom ik dat deed. Het hoorde er gewoon bij. Echter het delen van de schrijfsels deed ik niet. Wie zit daar nu op te wachten, wie ben ik nu om deze te delen, eigenlijk is het maar onzin wat ik schrijf. Dat waren de overtuigingen die elke keer de kop op staken terwijl ik meer en meer in mijn hoofd ging leven in plaats van uit mijn hart. Dat was voor die tijd prima. En gelijk zeg ik dat het heerlijk is dat ik nu meer vanuit mijn hart kan leven. En dat is ook waarom ik weer meer ben gaan schrijven. Lang heb ik me afgevraagd waarom ik ben gaan schrijven. Die oude overtuigingen zaten er nog steeds. Maar iets anders werd steeds sterker en ik besloot er aan toe te geven. "Gewoon schrijven omdat het in me op komt. Maakt niet uit wat. Laat het maar gebeuren". Ik had geen idee waar de woorden vandaan komen. Maar ik begon het leuk te vinden om mijn schrijfsels na een tijd weer terug te lezen. Maar delen van het geschreven....nee, daar zat nog wel een overtuiging op. Hoewel de behoefte om het te gaan delen steeds groter werd. Eng!
En toen begonnen zich steeds vaker fantasieverhalen te ontspinnen in mijn gedachten. Als kind had ik al een levendige fantasie. Nu kwamen er steeds vaker flarden van sprookjes voorbij. Tot op een dag een van mijn dochters geheel onverwacht vroeg naar die oude verhaaltjes die ik vroeger verzon voor het slapen gaan. Toen ze klein waren verzond ik in de vakantieperiodes altijd een kabouterverhaal voor ze. Terwijl ze in bed lagen vertelde ik ze de grappigste verhalen. Meestal ging het over iets waar ze zelf mee kwamen, wat ze hadden meegemaakt die dag. Waarom kwam die vraag van mijn dochter juist nu? Ik besloot om dit eens te onderzoeken en begon gewoon de eerste regels van een verzinsel op te schrijven, een kabouterverhaal ja ja. Tot mijn verbazing stond er binnen de kortste tijd een leuk verhaal op papier waar ik zelf verbaasd over stond. In het geheim kwamen er al gauw nog drie verhalen bij. Ik werd enthousiast en zag mezelf terug in die verhalen. Ik moest lachen...een goed teken. En toen vroeg mijn vrouw wat ik toch allemaal aan het typen was.

Je begrijpt dat ze die verhalen wel eens lezen wilde. Met angst over hoe ze zou reageren liet ik haar de verhalen lezen. Ze reageerde verheugd. Ze was meteen overtuigd dat ik hier mee door moest gaan en dat het misschien wel een boekje zou worden, al was het maar voor onze eigen kleinkinderen die ooit zullen komen. Ik was opgelucht. En het afgelopen twee jaar zijn er een en twintig verhaaltjes verschenen. Niet alleen voor kinderen, niet alleen om voor te lezen, maar ook voor onszelf. Er zitten zoveel herkenbare zaken in, die zich nu afspelen rond om ons heen. Maar een boek? Uitgeven? Dat idee moest dit jaar nog wel even groeien hoor.
Terwijl dat idee groeide kwam ik overal uitnodigingen tegen om mee te doen met een bepaald traject om jezelf verder te ontplooien. Voor ik het wist had ik mezelf ingeschreven. Via FB was ik al enige tijd mijn ideeën, opvattingen en korte stukjes aan het vertellen, maar deze trajecten heben me uitgenodigd om onbevangen stukjes over mezelf te schrijven en die te delen...whaaaaaa. Mijn verbazing was groot toen ik merkte dat al die stukjes goed werden ontvangen. Soms door meerderen, soms door maar een iemand, en soms ook niet. Het werd me duidelijk dat het mij niet schaadde over hoe er gereageerd werd. Dat ik het wel fijn vond als er een reactie kwam en nog fijner als die ook nog eens positief was. Ik werd dus gemotiveerd om meer en meer te delen. En hoe meer en hoe vaker ik deelde hoe leuker het werd. Uiteindelijk was het idee om een boekje te maken van de vijftien verhaaltjes die ik al had niet meer zo eng en vreemd. Maar het voelde nog niet klaar. Er kwamen in de afgelopen maanden nog zes bij en nu is het gevoel daar, het is af, het mag openbaar worden. Een editor en een tekenaar hebben zich als vanzelf aangediend. De layout kan worden verzorgd en de drukker is reeds bekend. De laatste fase gaat in, lieve mensen om me heen die een hoop voor me betekenen om het boekje geboren te laten worden.

Maar gaat het nu om dat boekje, om bekend te worden, om gezien en gehoord te worden? Nee.
De laatste jaren is het me steeds duidelijker geworden. Als je iets te vertellen hebt, moet je het doen. Of er iemand luistert is niet belangrijk. Op het moment dat ik iets vertel of dat ik het opschrijf gebeurt er iets met me. Het wordt me allemaal weer iets duidelijker. Dat wat zich binnenin me afspeelt krijgt meer gestalte, meer vorm en ik krijg ineens de mogelijkheid om meerdere perspectieven te zien, en te belichten. Het zet mijzelf voort op mijn pad. Het is mijn ontwikkeling. En tegelijkertijd zijn het ook stille gedachten, wensen die een klank krijgen in de vorm van gesproken of geschreven woorden. Niets wat dat ongedaan kan maken tenzij ik het zelf herroep. Daarmee zet ik dus ook de verandering in in mijn leven, elke keer weer. Oude zaken worden uit het systeem gehaald en nieuwe zaken worden er in gezet. Herprogrammeren of zo.

En ik vind het eigenlijk best wel heel leuk om te delen, gewoon om het delen. Waarom zou ik met verhalen of opmerkingen blijven zitten als ik ze ook kan delen wanneer het zo goed voelt om ze te delen. En uiteindelijk heb ik ervaren dat er altijd wel iemand is die iets leest van wat ik opschrijf. En ook dat er altijd wel iemand is die zegt van "Ach dat is een openbaring", of "Dat is leuk". En weet je, als er maar een iemand is die er iets aan heeft, al is het maar een glimlach, dan is het al de moeite waard. En ook al wordt het niet gelezen, het is voor mijzelf de moeite waard. Een, omdat het altijd leuk is om later mijn eigen schrijfsels terug te lezen en twee, omdat ik veel leer over mezelf, hoe ik in het leven sta en stond, en wat de mogelijkheden zijn voor verandering. Daarnaast geeft het heel veel rust. Alles wat zich in mijn hoofd afspeelt, in mijn hart, in mijn lichaam, zaken die ik heb meegemaakt, ervaringen, beelden, gesprekken, die zetten mijn ontwikkeling aan. Maar het moet niet alleen in mijn lichaam blijven zitten. Ik moet in actie komen, er iets mee doen, fysiek. Gronden zeg maar. En het opschrijven van wat me het meest bezig houdt, het meest opvalt, is een vorm om die energie gestalte te geven in de wereld. Het geeft me weer ruimte in mezelf om verder te gaan, inspiratie te krijgen, fantasie, leven, liefde te laten stromen. Kortom ik vind het heerlijk om af en toe te doen.

En het is zo leuk dat ik over een paar weken ineens een boekje heb, dat met dit gedachtegoed geschreven is, waar anderen plezier in kunnen hebben, waar verder niets vanaf hangt en waar een aantal heel dierbare vrienden aan meegewerkt hebben en waar mijn dochters de grondslag voor hebben gelegd.

Pulling the rug under my feet away?

For Dutch version click here: Poten onder stoel vandaan gezaagd?

It took a while but here I am again with this time a somewhat longer story.


Do you know that? That it feels as someone is pulling the rug under your feet away, that you have lost all control? Well I have. I haven;t had it for years but last holidays it happened again. Let me tell you what happened on our wonderful trip through Spain, what happened to me and what I have learned from it. Maybe you can benefit from the story.
The next parts describe in chronological order what happened and how slowly every form of my confidence disappeared. Read them if you want in one go or with little breaks in between, have a laugh about it and see the humor. Maybe you recognize one or more cases from your own life. Are you right in it then know that it is passing by eventually. Don't you want to read everything because it is too much reading, just pick out the blue lines and you will know why my world began to shrink, while I still could enjoy a fabulous journey.
Have fun!

OK, it is time, we are on our way to Spain with the caravan behind our car. At the roundabout in our village we needed to drive an extra round because of an ambulance with sirens and flashing lights was about to overtake. I saw him approaching, decided to drive this extra round and made way for him.
Fifteen minutes later on the highway there was a traffic jam and a huge row of cars. An accident few miles further down the road blocked the highway. Fast thinking made me decide to drive an alternative route however I was not the only one. After one whole hour, and 10 miles further we were on the go to Spain. One more stop to find a toilet and then at last, with big smiles and good spirit finally on our way. And it went fast and smooth. At the end of the afternoon we arrived at the planned camping site near the Loire in France. Closed! Due to heavy rain fall last week the camping was flooded. Caravans and tents slipped away in the mud and we were not allowed to spend the night there. The owner directed us 25 miles further down the road for an alternative. OK, tired but with good hope we continued the trip. Flash, a camera for speeding made a photograph of us, driving to fast @%##@!@^. At last we found a nice little camping site on higher grounds and we had a lovely night. "Well"we said to each other, "this was a different start of the holidays but it is good to be here".

The next day we enjoyed the next part of the journey. It is dry, not too warm, between 14 and 17 degrees Celsius. At the highlands around the Pyrenees even 10 degrees. And a rather strong wind. Hmm too cold to sit outside in the evenings.

After a few days of acclimatization in the middle of Spain en visiting
some beautiful cities we decided to go to the south coast. The weather in Sevilla showed 25 degrees and at the end of the week even 30. So goodbye to all earlier plans to go to Portugal, goodbye to all the pre work concerning routes and camping sites. And about Spain? I had no information about the south coast with me. Let's improvise and see where it brings us.

The tour to Sevilla was so beautiful. Our rout planner showed us the routes leading to the preferred camping site. It appeared to be in the middle of a nature park. The planner showed us a small road up a mountain and I got a strange feeling in the stomach, but we were already on the road and we could't turn. After 10 minutes climbing we saw some road works. The road was just repaired and the asphalt with stones was still a bit wet. Black tar was coming of the wheels and the road workers looked at us as if we were crazy. After a few more minutes we knew why. Dead end road in a small, very small village. No way to continue. No space to turn, so we had to uncouple the caravan, turn it and drive the car in front of it again to couple the caravan again to the car. And all that on a steep hill. I was so happy to have an electric mover mounted on the caravan. On the way down, we waved to the road workers who were just eating their lunch. I will never forget their faces.

Bach on the primary road we saw the sign of the camping site. It showed us the way into the nature park. We drove there alone. It was quite and the sign we saw earlier was the only one. The booklet we had showed that we must had seen the camping site already. However 5 miles further down the road no sign or sight of a camping site. We decided to stop and drove backward into a yard to achieve information and to decide what to do. Nobody there. Abandoned yard. Ok no what. We decided to give it a try and to drive 5 more miles. And here it was...my next moment. The drive way of the yard was so steep that our car had serious trouble to accelerate. I didn't understand and I began to smell the overheated clutch plates. (Later these holidays we took slopes that were double as steep without a problem...hmmm doubts..was it me doing something wrong than there????). 1 minute further down the road we saw the camping site!

And sure it was a real oasis there. Simple but oh so friendly and with beautiful sunny weather.
At this site we had a marvelous time and from here we made some day trips to Sevilla.

On our way to the next camping stop, Cadiz at the sea. That last night was a beautiful and sultry night. We both saw a falling star and whispered our wishes simultaneously. We departed early in the morning and had to cross Sevilla again in order to reach the highway to Cadiz. Unfortunately the bridge leading to this autopista was closed due to repairs. Our way was re-routed...yes..through the city of Sevilla. A few minutes later were were standing still in a traffic jam and in the burning sun. WHAMMM. We felt a shock, the car was pushed forwards and the whole combination shifted across the road. *&^%$# What the...was that?
Somebody crashed into our combination from behind I said quietly. My inner however, was boiling with emotions. After the first check it appeared that a Spanish teenager had made a mistake because of other activities during driving. Well after all is was weekend you know. His car crashed and our caravan damaged. Police arrived soon at the scene and was hugely available. They helped us very well and after inspection of the caravan we thought it was safe to continue the journey. Ok the left side of the caravan was wrinkled, the left light was broken, but as if it was a miracle, everything seemed to work. And then we saw it. The tow bar of the car was bended and was not situated behind the car but under the car. Driving with the caravan was completely impossible. Wauw, if the collision was that hard what would be then the condition of the chassis of the caravan? More uncertainties.

So the caravan needed to be towed by a special vehicle and we were brought to a camping site nearby Sevilla. And there it appeared that the mover of the caravan did not work anymore, well so now and then. Uncertainties!!
More assistance was arranged by the Dutch  ANWB company who called me back with the message that there was a Nissan dealer nearby and I could check in the next morning at nine for repair. What a miracle. A new tow bar was ordered and installed and in the meantime I checked the caravan. At twelve the car was repaired and at one pm we decided to leave this place and continue our journey to Cadiz. I taped some parts of the caravan together with duct tape and the behavior of the caravan behind the car felt as usual. So we took our chances and in the afternoon we arrived at the camping site at Cadiz. Aahhhhhhh, beautiful palm beach, blue see, white/yellow sand, and a warm sun. We surely did enjoy our swim there and soon all the negatives of the day were washed away in de Atlantic.

Oh, almost forgot to say, be careful what you wish when you see a falling star. We talked it over that night and it appeared that Anna and I had both exactly the same wish: a healthy and sound return in Holland after these holidays. Isn't that clear or what.

How wonderful times were at that palm beach, bathing, sleeping, swimming, a wonderful day at Gibraltar, lovely food in the restaurants at the boulevards, yeah, flow was back again. But nevertheless, time was itching and we wanted to continue further east down the coast. NO...the entrance to the motorway was completely disappeared, closed due to total reconstruction. A diversion? No no you are allowed to sort it out yourself. A few times we choose the wrong direction and were almost stuck in the center of the city, but after a while we found the highway. Half way the trip we stopped for lunch. And yep, do not guess...no electricity in the caravan. the 12 volt current dissappeared. All fuses were ok. Nothing found. no refrigerator, no toilet flush, no water tap, no light. OK more uncertainties. Has this still something to do with the earlier crash or is it new?
Better check it at the camping. After lunch we continued and twenty minutes later I heard a strange noise behind the car, near the caravan. It was if the caravan was breaking continuously. The car speed was lowering with same rpm of the engine so what was this, the hand break of the caravan, flat tire? With the crash still fresh in my mind I felt sweat on my back and some nasty scenario's came across my mind. And there wasn't any place to stop safely. Lots of traffic with low flying Spanish people. Three miles further down the road I saw a safe haven. Holding my breath I stepped out to look what was wrong. &^%$#@..The little front wheel of the caravan had come down for no reason and was overheated by the speed from spinning over the highway asphalt. Ok, that wheel is needed to maneuver the caravan on its place at the camping site. Well, the mover is broke, or not, this front wheel is perhaps not useable, how will this end? Well was the simple answer, you have the car to maneuver the caravan, unless there is no space enough.
Oh oh oh what is happening with and to us? All kinds of strange happenings that made us uncertain and pulled me out of my comfort zone. Right, for now, let's go...we were still parked along the highway, not the safest place on earth. And we know what can happen don't we?? However, Anna had this enormous confidence that it would all work out well for us, that we had enough guidance and indeed,...arrived at the next camping the mover worked, the front wheel was not completely damaged and we could switch over to 230 volts of the camping. Ahhh cold beer again. Oh one more thing....that evening my front tooth broke in half!

Again we lived a few beautiful warm days. Gracious cities, swimming, hiking, good food and wine....yeah, I got used eating with half a front tooth. However..laughing was difficult...the face is not what you might expect...ha ha. One morning we had again no power. During the night all power went down. Immediately I thought of the earlier problems. The switchboard in which I had plugged in the socket of the caravan was locked. Hmmm that wasn't the case last night. Maybe the owner of the camping had switched us of because we decided to stay one day longer and had not paid for that yet?
At te reception they told me that the whole area had a power down. Planned by the electricity company! Maintenance...28 degrees, freezers down, water supply too low pressurized to flush your..well you know. Spanish. But was I glad it was not our problem this time.

After a few days back on the road again to Cordoba. Good journey and we were getting used to the little challenges we had at that time. One thing I kept asking myself is what I had to learn from these challenges. Cordoba brought us joy, heat and lots of swimming time. A wonderful ancient history and palace like the one in Granada. One evening, ok after some wine and watching the stars, I ran into an open window and injured my fore head severely. A nice bump and bleeding cut of which Anna thought that stitches were needed. Oh no not for me, some band aid and pressure will do, and I went to bed with the question WHY? One more look at my watch gave me the information that it was broken and not to be repaired. PFFF. NOT MORE, LET ME SLEEP PLEASE, I DO NOT WANT MORE and falling a sleep I dream about coming home.
The next morning we were friendly wakened up by an airplane which is flying so low that you almost could touch it with a long stick. And it was not one fly by but several times. It appeared we were camping under the fly by zone of an airplane which was spraying the nearby field with probably pesticide. We were glad to already made the decision to go on with our journey. That day I noticed several people looking awkward to me, like I was kind of prisoner, or victim of an assault. Remember, I was looking gorgeous with the blue bump and cut on my fore head and the half tooth in my mouth. Victim, fighter, accident with caravan, poor man...I didn't care anymore. Come on let's go and yeah...problems with the mover again. Some improvisation did the trick and on we went.

Beautiful camping site near Madrid. Arrived in the afternoon after fuelling the car at a highway station.
Did they try to swindle me for 20 euro's. I had to think thoroughly and reason like an idiot (suddenly English wasn't understood anymore) but I won and got my 20 euro's back. At the camping site we wanted to make coffee and what happened...water pump not working anymore. Electricity was available so that was not the problem. Inspection learned that deep down under in the caravan one tiny connector was disconnected. After connecting it properly the pump worked as before. Haaa! Breathe! I suddenly got an idea and did more inspections and found more (half) disconnected connectors. Must have been the case the whole time. Maybe because of the hard smack of the collision the wiring was more or less damaged/disconnected. Everything checked and guess what...the mover began to recharge automatically. Things are about to change again!!
During the next days we enjoyed the area, the mountains and the everlasting snow and our hiking there.

On our way to Biarritz. Seen the woods, the famous beaches and waves of Les Landes and a lot of rain. Because of several warning about flooding we decided to stay in safety of the site.


On our way to Poitiers. Good trip. No unexpected problems anymore. I feel like longing to go home. I am tired after this long period and almost 7000 kilometers.
The camping site was an old estate with a wonderful old castle and houses. Finding the site was not easy and the route-planner showed us a very different way via a very small lane. All road signs leading to the site were disappeared. However the locals of the area recognized the problem and stopped their cars to show us the right direction. Unasked they all stopped, waved and smiled and pointed towards the right direction. What a welcome.
And there it was, via a very small gate (10 inches left on every side of the caravan) we reached the property.
My birthday as the landlord of the castle with a good and fine dinner with red wine made my day. Cheers, bottoms up.

With reasonable weather, dry, quite some wind and lower temperatures then normal we headed for home. Near Lille we had the last camping site. My stomach is not quite as easy as should be and it starts raining. Heavy winds are blowing. I am tired, wanna go home.

Wow great, we are back home. Cleaning was easy and quick. A lovely sleep during the night in a lovely bed. All good again until.....noisy neighborhood: refurbishing two houses in the street, street paved again, lots of stress with the people who are fed up with the weather here and still have to work and noise, noise noise. Wheeee, we want to go back to Spain!

OKthat was the story of my challenges and what did it bring me? I know that what you send out will be received again. But I am absolutely not sending out cases or energy like these challenges, am I? I do realize afterwards that we went well prepared for Portugal but that we decided last second to go to south of Spain. And there it started. I became unsure only by knowing we were unprepared for Spain. I knew nothing from this country and I received all kinds of scenarios in front of my mind's eye, of what could go wrong. That was my old me who came around the corner, my old survival strategies, my old ego (a 6 in the eneagram), they all made me create plan a till z just in case of. My common sense said that I did not needed this, but it was slipped into my system before I knew it. And if that fits with I want in life, you will get it!! But I want freedom, adventure, life, joy, experience and see beautiful things, meet wonderful people, quite some different than the challenges I asked for.
What happened is that an old, ancient part in myself was triggered to give it the chance to let go. As if an old computer program was still somewhere at the background, inactive, which was made active again by an outside event. I was given the opportunity to experience this and in a very conscious way to not only deactivate the program but also to delete it completely out of my system. And that last thing, to delete it permanently, is something we often forget to do.
And now new insights are pouring in slowly to fill in the gap of the old program.

1. whatever happens, I will be taken care of.
2. my perseverance is greater and stronger than I ever thought.
3. that despite what happens, I always can stay enjoying the beautiful things around me.
4. it is important to live in the moment of now.
5. my flexibility has grown the last years.
6. I can improvise better than I ever thought.
7. That all what I "need" in life is already here.
8. I realy and immensely love the wonderful beings around me.

It is a time in which nothing is fixed anymore. Changes take place in a rapid pace, growth is quicker than ever. Old challenges are popping up and make us doubt and falter, just to be able to say farewell to them. When we fight these challenges then it only takes longer. It is time for the new human in ourselves. We make more space in ourselves for who we really are and what we really want to do. That process is taking place with every human soul and can be quite difficult sometimes. The choice is ours to decide which path we want to walk, to open ourselves up for the assistance and the love around us, have trust in a development perfectly suited for us, then it will become easier.

With many thanks to my lovely wife Anna, who stood so near beside me this journey, surrounded me with her love and humor, so that I could go through this experience and at the same time could be able to enjoy it all.